Of Spirit and Fire and Dew
by bredalot
Summary: Songfic in which Tonks compares old boyfriends to Remus. To the song Tall, Dark, Handsome Stranger by Heart.


Disclaimer: The only things in here that are mine are Tonks's boyfriends. The characters and relationship come from J. K. Rowling, brilliant woman that she is. The song is "Tall, Dark Handsome Stranger" by Heart. The title comes from a quote by Browning, found in Anne of Green Gables: "The good stars met in your horoscope, made you of spirit and fire and dew."

A/N: So, this song seems like it ought to be soft and sweet and slow, but trust me, it's 80's rock. Tonks would approve.

_I'm so tired of these men trying to impress me with nothing_

_The same old routine and the smooth fancy talking_

_Now I know and believe that I found it for real_

_Cause you're good and you're kind and you care how I feel_

Tonks was normally talkative. In fact, it was often hard for her to shut up. But she could always keep her own secrets, except when she was drunk.

Tonks was drunk.

Not exceptionally, mind. She still had (almost) complete motor control, she was sober enough to know she'd have a hell of a headache and a lot of regret in the morning; she was just drunk enough to be loose-lipped. She was too drunk and depressed to care about tomorrow's regret, and so she spilled out her soul.

She was sitting in a London pub. She'd never been to it before, and she couldn't even remember the name. She'd chosen it for the slight punk attitude, the cheap drinks, and, most importantly, the fact that it was all-Muggle. She blended in perfectly, with spiked pink hair, a leather jacket on the back of her chair, and a Morphed tattoo on her left shoulder blade, exposed by the camisole she wore. She'd received a few compliments on it so far: it was the crescent moon in a sort of Celtic-knot pattern. She couldn't stand to be around him right now, but she needed something of his about her for comfort.

Remus.

Tonks sighed as she took another sip of ale. He'd been so sweet to her these past few weeks since Sirius's death. She knew he missed his best friend, far more than she could, but he'd still been helping her deal with the loss of her cousin. He'd even managed to (almost) convince her that it wasn't her fault that Sirius died. She didn't think she could stand it any longer.

Tonks leaned forward with her elbows on the bar to continue her story to the bartender, who listened with a practiced ear. "See, it's like this," Tonks said. "What it comes down it is that he's a good ten years older than me, can't get a job because of stupid intolerant laws, and is annoyingly self-sacrificing and so will almost definitely try to protect me by turning me down. But he's absolutely sweet and impossibly adorable, and I love him. But he's my friend, and I can't risk losing that, which I will because of the reasons I already told you."

"So you come here to drown your sorrows?" Tonks nodded as the woman leaned forward until they were inches apart. "Listen, as much as I appreciate the business, I can't let you do this to yourself. Go home, honey. Think about your man. If what you feel is real, the risk will be worth it." Tonks gave the woman a sideways smile and money for her drinks before getting up.

Just as she stood, she felt a finger tracing the design on her shoulder. She turned to face a tall man who looked a lot like Bill Weasley, only with dark hair instead of red and a far less friendly look in his eye. "Nice," he said. "What do you say you let me buy you a drink and you tell me all about that?"

Tonks's upper lip curled involuntarily as Tonks shook her head. "I don't think so," she said, swinging her jacket on.

"Come on, what could it hurt?"

"I'm definitely not interested, thanks."

The man grabbed Tonks's arms and pulled her onto his lap. She looked up at him, saw the smirk on his face and the lecherous look in his eyes, and cracked. She backhanded him across the cheekbone and watched his head reel. "Don't mess with me," she told him, tears coming fast to her eyes. She whirled around and ran out, Disapparating almost immediately to keep from being followed. She landed in her flat just as the tears began to flow. She tore off her jacket and hurled it across the room. Too many memories of crappy or abusive boyfriends, always the type interested in her, flooded her mind. Finally she'd found a man who actually cared about her, but of course he wouldn't love her.

_I had a tall dark handsome stranger_

_I've had the devil in disguise_

_I've been attracted to the danger_

_But I was never satisfied_

_And I know what I like_

_And I like what I see in your eyes_

One of her favorite things about Remus was his never-ending struggle to suppress the threat that he knew he was. To some girls, including Tonks herself, that edge of danger was nearly irresistible. Most guys flaunted it if they had it or made it up if they didn't, but Remus tried to protect those he cared about by hiding it. Now that she'd seen and loved someone like that, Tonks was nearly immune to the charms of flaunted danger. She fervently wished she'd known Remus in her youth.

_You're so beautiful_

Her first boyfriend, back at Hogwarts, had been a Slytherin three years her senior. Attractive, blond, definite badass, Tonks had been drawn to him almost immediately. He was flattered by the attention he got from this hero-worshiping fourth-year and intrigued by her Morphing ability. Tonks had been too infatuated to heed her friends' warnings, and he'd drawn her in like a moth to a flame. And, like the moth, she'd been badly burned. She'd gone too far with him too fast and too young, and she'd regretted it ever since. She also changed herself for him, physically and emotionally, trying to keep his waning attention. She'd never before seen the physical attractions Morphing had for guys, but his insistence on larger breasts quickly educated her. After he ditched her, she purposely kept herself small, trying to deflect attention. She swore she'd never do that for another man (at least not at his request), and it took her a year to get over the horror of her first boyfriend. She still could only think of him with detestation and her fourteen-year-old self with disgust, but she no longer avoided guys and had gained a thorough self-confidence that overcame the remnants of self-loathing.

After Hogwarts, two years into Auror training, she took up with a biker type. She'd met him at a Wizarding pub. He was tall, dark, mysterious, and drop-dead gorgeous. Now that Tonks had known her cousin, this man reminded her of a younger Sirius. Long hair, real tattoos, and a total flirt. Very charming, with a smile that seemed meant for her alone. He'd bought her a few drinks, took her for a ride on his motorbike, and she was lost. After a week, she was spending more time at his flat than at her own. After a month, he started hitting her. The first time it happened, he fell at her feet and begged forgiveness, which she immediately granted. He didn't hit her again for two weeks, but then it started in earnest. A month later, she got fed up with it: the next time he attacked her, she used her Auror training to thoroughly beat him up, dumped him, and hexed him into the bargain. She went home crying. She already missed him, his charm and his good looks and his bed. But she was smart, and she knew she couldn't stay with him.

She hadn't had a serious boyfriend since, not in three years. She'd had casual dates, she'd been hit on in bars, but she was sick of all that. Remus had changed her. Even if he couldn't love her, even if they were never more than friends, her love for him and his friendship had made her scorn the danger aspect in favor of more lasting virtues.

She'd been drawn to the Auror profession for the danger and the glamour, and she still loved that, but now she wanted a guy with whom she could relax and just be chummy. Remus gave her the comfort and caring she wanted. He still had an edge of danger and glamour from being a werewolf and being in the Order, but for once there was so much more to him.

_I've been pushed, I've been pulled, I've been put out and trod on_

_Just by taking my chances, I finally caught on_

_When I see in your eyes all the love shining through_

_I'm so glad I held out for somebody like you_

Tonks undressed in the dark, managing to stub her toe, crash into a chair, and fall over, before actually getting into bed. She was exhausted and angry and couldn't sleep. She lay sprawled on her back and though of Remus.

_Heaven must have sent you I know_

_You're so good to me_

_I feel good with you_

_I'd be such a fool to let go_

_There's something about you_

_I can't live without you_

Even sober, it was hard for Tonks to keep quiet about Remus. She was normally good at keeping her own secrets, even if not others', but he made her feel so good that it was hard to keep the joy from bubbling over. She had to, though, to keep that feeling. She knew that if she told Remus she loved him, he'd reject her, and their friendship could never be the same. She knew, too, that without him, every day and every night would be empty.

There was something about him, the quiet understatedness of him, that made her blood thrill. When she walked next to him, or sat with him, she could feel her blood all through her body. She felt alive, a feeling she treasure about all else. It was why she'd become an Auror, why she exulted in being a Metamorphmagus, why her hair was never its natural color. She had always lived over the top to get the feeling of being alive, but with Remus that wasn't necessary. She could talk to him and enjoy his conversation, or she could be silent with him and relish the feel of him.

It was funny, she thought, that as she mused about Remus, she could realize why she had chased her former boyfriends and why she'd never been satisfied. They had seemed so alive, but had felt so dead. And it was quiet, mild-mannered, cursed Remus Lupin who had what she wanted.

_I've had fast-talking good-looking men at my door_

_Now I'm a wiser woman than I was before_

Tonks lay on her bed in the dark, smiling at the mere thought of Remus. Suddenly, she decided that she couldn't stand it any longer. Distantly, she knew that this was midnight rashness compounded with ale, and some part of her knew that in the morning this would seem like an awful idea. Perhaps that's why she didn't wait. The bartender's words came back to her: "the risk will be worth it." Before she could change her mind, she Disapparated.

Remus opened his bedroom door at the light knock to find Tonks, barefoot and clad only in a tank top and running shorts. "Tonks!" he said quietly, so as not to wake the whole house. "Weren't you staying at your flat tonight?"

The instant she saw him, Tonks squirmed. "Yeah..." she trailed off. One part of her mind was screaming for her to go home, a smaller but louder part noted how well that green sweater suited him, and a tiny fraction wondered at his being up so late. She bit her lip and looked up at him, an unconscious picture of nervous innocence. "Can I talk to you?"

_I had a tall dark handsome stranger_

_I've had the devil in disguise_

_I've been attracted to the danger_

_But I was never satisfied_

_And I know what I like_

_And I like what I see in your eyes_


End file.
